Sisterhood: A Love Letter
“Be around the light bringers, the magic makers, the world shifters, the game shakers.
They challenge you, break you open, uplift and expand you.
They don't let you play small with your life.
These heartbeats are your people.
These people are your tribe.”
-Danielle Doby
For roughly the first half of my life, I was a terrible friend.
I didn’t know how to do it. I didn’t understand how it worked.
Very early on, I had some incredibly hurtful experiences with friendship (I know I’m not unique in this). I felt abandoned, discarded. And in the way that childhood pain does, those experiences wove themselves into my feelings of self-worth.
So I built a little shell around myself.
No one can hurt me if I don’t let them in.
Women can’t hurt me if I don’t let them in.
Friendship can’t hurt me if I don’t let it in.
I spent the following years flitting between friend groups, flowing with each for a season or a year, and when the pull of friendship started to feel too strong, like there was too much to lose, I broke away.
If something as strong as loyalty was expected of me, it was time to go. On to the next.
Safe inside my lonely little shell, I floated on to the next friend or group, searching desperately for the love and acceptance that I wouldn’t allow myself to receive.
I gravitated towards boys. And earned myself a reputation. Further solidifying the wall I had built, preventing me from accessing the “good girls club.”
Boys were easier for me; I knew where I stood. I knew when I was liked, I knew when I wasn’t. I set my own terms. I say this not just in terms of dating, but also in the male friendships I had back then. For whatever reason, friendships with boys always felt easier, safer. I chose well, and I treasure those friendships to this day; they made me feel safe and seen, even when I couldn’t see myself. You guys know who you are, thank you, still, for your friendship.
So when I went away to college, I decided to try on a new version of myself. I decided to be a girl who was friends with other girls. To my detriment, being a proud procrastinator caught up with me when I slid my housing selections in right under the deadline and ended up in the Engineering dorms. The location on campus was awesome, my roommates were great and I loved everyone I met. But it was a co-ed dorm and about 95% male. I was in my comfort zone, amongst smart, kind men who were excellent friends to me. But it didn’t solve the ache inside me. The knowing that there was a huge piece of life experience and female camaraderie that I was missing and desperately needed.
So I decided to rush a sorority.
Going in to college I had no interest in being part of the Greek System. All I really knew about it were things I had seen in movies, and a handful of UW frat parties my senior year. I didn’t feel comfortable identifying as a “sorority girl,” and wasn’t interested in falling further into the bubbly blonde stereotype to which I already existed. But I wanted friends. I needed friends. So I signed up to rush.
The Greek System at the University of Colorado is relatively small, and all students are required to live in the dorms freshman year, so we had a lot of opportunity to make friends outside of the houses we chose. I actually loved that about CU. Living in the dorms was such a fun, collective experience that we all got to endure. I didn’t feel boxed in by my sorority, because I had a lot of friends outside of it as well.
And it was in this house that I met MY GIRLS. Actually, I should say, my FIRST girls. Because I have picked up other, soul-nourishing, “can’t live without them” friendships along the way, but these were the first.
It didn’t happen right away; I had a lot to learn. But they were patient with me, they let the drip drip drip of their consistent friendship work on me over the years. We had disagreements, we had hard conversations, we had vastly different view points and personalities, sometimes we dated the same guys (Hi Megs!).
We had to work through some stuff.
So we worked through it.
They gently and lovingly pointed out to me when I wasn’t being a good friend. They helped me to see my own defense mechanisms; the ways that I tried to push them away.
I tried to run.
They wouldn’t let me.
They lovingly, painstakingly, helped me to remove each brick from my self-imposed wall, and one by one we set them down.
To this day, these women are My Girls. We don’t see each other every day, or even every year. But when we do, it is magic. And though we can go months without talking, I can feel them there. Loving me, supporting me, seeing me, believing in me, accepting me. All of it.
These friendships are everything.
The support of women is everything.
Lifting each other up is everything.
Which brings me to Rhonda.
Rhonda and I met through our sorority, although interestingly, we also lived in the same dorm. I was in awe of her from the start. Beautiful, smart, confident. Everything I wanted to be and be close to.
We largely orbited in different circles;
She, fully committed to her education and the strenuous path towards becoming a doctor;
Me, although pursuing an English degree, fully committed to having what we’ll call a “well rounded college experience.” (Still no regrets about that, fun was had).
We bumped into each other throughout the years, always enjoying each other’s company, but never fully committing to an intimate friendship.
Fast forward 20 years.
Rhonda and I have been on parallel journeys the past couple years, and have been quietly following each other’s growth. Until our mutual stalking became less quiet and we started reaching out to each other, having meaningful conversations, supporting each other from afar. And then afar changed to near! Turns out, Rhonda lives 80 short miles from our current RV home, so I hopped in the car and spent two blissful days stepping into her life. And the life she has created is beautiful, and raw, and authentic, and completely her own.
It is stunning to witness a woman with wings so fully expanded.
Rhonda and I share a complete lack of capacity for bullshit. There was no small talk. We took a deep dive on all of the subjects.
ALL of them.
We went there.
As I was leaving I joked that it felt like I was emerging from two days of therapy. But that’s what it was. That’s what true friendship IS.
Seeing and being seen.
Listening and being heard.
Perfect in our imperfection.
Gratitude isn’t a big enough word for the gift of female friendship. It is life. This deep connection we have with each other, the unconditional love and the honoring of each other’s deepest selves, the holding space for each other’s feelings and experiences, the lifting each other up when we’re not capable of lifting ourselves.
*sigh*
Thank you.
Just, thank you.
To all of My Girls, I love you beyond.
And to all of the girls who tried to be my friend, who placed a hand on the wall and asked me to come out, to all of the almost-friends that I hid from… can we try again?
In Joy, Truth, Love, & Friendship,
~lisa
P.S. Rhonda is a powerhouse. And she wrote a book about it. Check her out, you won’t regret it: www.onceyouarereal.com
P.P.S. For those of you just here for the travel trips: Grand Rapids, MN is the cutest little town ever, go there. :)
