What Have We Done
This picture in no way represents my current emotional state. #goals
Hi guys. How’s it going? Things are a little “roller-coastery” over here, if I’m being honest…
We’ve reached the part where I question everything.
Why are we doing this? What are we hoping to get out of it? Why is everyone so cranky? Will the kids ever stop fighting? Is it just me, or are the children multiplying? (I’m 99.9% sure that’s not scientifically possible, but it feels real).
In short, what the hell were we thinking?
I know that what we’re doing is special. And we’re lucky to have this opportunity.
I know this.
And also, sometimes it’s just fucking hard.
Visual documentation of the exact moment I started questioning everything.
After we left beloved Missoula (swoon), we again headed west to Washington (a bit of deja vu from our itinerary this summer), and stopped at my parents’ house on the Columbia River for a week. My Dad stepped in as a guest teacher and did a little shop class with the kids, teaching them how to take apart and repair the lawn mower. It was pretty damn cute. We all appreciated the chance to spread out for a bit, catch up on laundry, take real showers… regroup.
From there we headed up to Leavenworth, Washington which is an adorable little Bavarian town that sits at the base of the Cascades. I love this place. I have so many great memories of coming here over the years, and was excited to share it with the kids.
It’s even more beautiful than I remembered.
We lucked into a winter storm and the kids have been happily rolling around in the snow for the past few days.
On paper and in pictures, it looks idyllic.
But real life is never that simple, is it?
This week there was a shift.
The novelty wore off.
All of a sudden we were all confronted with the realities of what we’ve given up to take off on this adventure, and I think we’ve all entered a stage of grief (I’m also not going to discount the effect of election and pandemic stress… it is real).
Everyone is on edge.
We are driving each other nuts.
All patience has left the building.
In normal life, October is one of our favorite months. The endless Vegas summer is finally over, Brent’s parents arrive to spend the winter just down the road, it’s Sam’s birthday, and then we cap it off with Halloween. We’re used to spending lazy Sundays watching football with Brent’s parents, putting up decorations or working on a project, letting the kids run the neighborhood with all of their friends.
There is so much joy in this month.
So much celebration.
So much community.
And we walked away from all of it.
Sam’s 10th Birthday is on Friday and Halloween is on Saturday, and we have NO CLUE what we’re doing for either one. And that’s where the mom guilt tries to sneak its way in. Wouldn’t a good mom have something really spectacular planned to make up for the fact that she’s ripped her children away from everything they care about? And then I think about what has triggered that thought (Social Media) and am reminded of the Teddy Roosevelt quote, “Comparison is the thief of Joy.”
Damn if that isn’t true.
Facebook and Instagram are the main ways I stay connected with the outside world, and my feed is full of friends outdoing themselves for their kids’ birthdays and Halloween preparations.
I say this without judgement, I would be doing exactly the same thing if we were still there. I know a lot of the excess is in response to COVID, and trying to make things extra special to make up for what a shit-show of a year it has been. I know that. And it still puts a dagger in my side. (Although, if we’re being honest, the birthday/holiday excess existed long before COVID).
We’ve chosen this life of self-imposed simplicity and adventure… but our kids didn’t.
I think Sam feels it the most. He REALLY misses his friends. And it breaks my heart. Because I miss mine too, but I know how to connect with them beyond seeing them physically, and I’m able to maintain those connections over the phone.
It’s not the same with kids, they need the physical interaction, the play, the roughhousing, the face-to-face.
And I feel So. Damn. Guilty. for taking that away.
And then I remember.
We’re all the in same freaking boat… everyone is on their own little island this year.
We might be floating around in an RV with disappointed kids who miss their friends (and normalcy, and birthday parties, and Halloween celebrations…) but so is everyone else (just minus the RV).
I have to remind myself that even if we were in the same place we were last year, the world is different this year.
We could go back to our old life, but it wouldn’t be the same. And even if it was, is that really the point? To just keep doing the same thing over and over?
Will my kids eventually get over their disappointment and loneliness and see this opportunity with the same excitement that Brent and I do? Will they someday thank me for this adventure? Will they learn that the scary things that feel hard or sad, can actually turn out to be the best things?
We’ll see.
In the meantime, I’ll just take the money I would have spent on Birthday and Halloween decorations and start socking it away for their therapy. :)
In Joy, Truth, & Love,
~lisa
